Target Trouble

No, I am not talking about credit problems, or return issues or even surely or rude service people. My local target has been great for us. No complaints with Target as a store or a company. My complaint is with the customers, actually with the shoplifters.

I went to the bathroom at my local target and as I go in I hear something odd, not really sure what it was but I looked around and saw the handicap stall was in use. No problem there, but having a handicapped son I pay more attention. There is no sound at all from the stall. Usually you hear people, they make sounds when the go to the bathroom, nothing, not even breathing, and it is a very quite room. As I was my hands I hear two odd sounds, first there is the kind of sound a person makes when the fall or collapse against something, second was the sound a can of aerosol makes when it falls from the hand of someone who has collapsed. I turn to see a can rolling out from under the stall, a can of Dust-Off.

At this point I can take two attitudes, "Not my problem." and leave, not really my style, or I can see if I can help.

By looking through the gap in the door I see a young person collapsed akimbo on the commode. He's Dusted himself, inhaled the product to pass out and get momentary high. There are problems with this kind of recreation, like death. The door is locked. That is not a problem for me, it yielded on the first pull. Perhaps weighing 275 pounds can be a good thing.

At this point I should describe the appearance of our young victim. He is likely in his twenties from his dress and insincere beard, dark hair, short and very thin. The lack of a right eye and general demeanor made him look much older. Think a young one eyed Richard, although he still had his teeth. His left eye was shut and right wide open showing only a pink veined socket. Really creepy seeing a pink veined socket where an eye usually is. He had a big wad of gauze taped to his forehead, likely from the last time he stole End Dust at a store and passed out in the bathroom. Perhaps they threw him out of Wallmart across the street.

No comes the real moral problem for me. I'm in good Samaritan mode and want to help this man. He is not breathing, I mean really not breathing, I checked. As I shake him and yell to try to rouse this man before calling 911 and starting CPR, it occurs to me that perhaps this is for the best. I mean this is self induced and if life is so bad you need to get high on End Dust in handicapped stall of Target ...

Fortunately our worthy young man awoke with a start. I do mean start, his limbs thrashed out. Having a son like Andrew prepares one for thrashing out limbs. My hands had him by the shoulders and just flexing my elbows let me block with my arms. It also helped that he is perhaps five six and a hundred and twenty pounds. Relieved that he was breathing again we commenced to converse. It amounted to him denying the obvious.

"Are you OK?" I asked.

"Huh?" Was the well considered response.

I decided to bring him up to speed. "You passed out from inhaling Dust Off."

"No, I didn't!" His one eye darting about.

"The can is on the floor and you passed out." As I left, my job here was done. He lived and I could go home.

"No, I didn't!" He yelled at my back.

"You're an idiot and a liar." My parting comments may not have been those of a true Samaritan. I did try to get him a good meal and a place for the night. I told the clerk to all security to the bathroom now, they had a man passed out in the stall from inhaling Dust Off. Perhaps he will spend a warm night in a police cell and get a meal, or at least a sandwich.

On the way home I realized how blessed I am. I will not have someone call me tonight or any other night to tell me my child has passed out in a bathroom from drug use. My children love life and live it well. They do not look up to curse God and die, but then fight to live.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and Farewell to 2013

With all the hype this year about ObamaCare, we thought it only fitting that we should jump on the Obamanable bandwagon to officially welcome everyone into the new year of the Obamanation.  In keeping with the theme, we are reminiscent, this year, about our own most abominable moments. (We can't blame the President for everything!)  And, hey, you're in luck - this one is 904 pages shorter!  So with apologies to all the Obama defenders out there, we bring you:

The Rayomi Cope Family

Most Obamanable Moments in 2013

·     Alright, let's talk about toilets - again.  As I am typing this, we are anxiously awaiting the arrival of the Roto-Rooter man.  Apparently, a ShopVac doesn't remove EVERYTHING from a clogged toilet.  When said clogs advance into the main pipe, toilets, showers, and bathtubs all back up and flood the hallway, and nothing much can be done other than calling a professional, opening up the wallet, and praying that it won't cost all our hard-earned Christmas dollars to get our pipes and drains working again.  There are times when even Ray, the "seasoned sewer specialist", can't pull this rabbit out of a hat.  Or the toilet, as the case may be.  There was a time this year while on a shopping date, Ray received a call from the sitter, went home to fix a flood, and was on his way back before Naomi even noticed he was gone.  Obviously, we're not newlyweds, but it does go to show how much Ray has picked up over the years about the quick care of clogged commodes!

·        Of course not all of 2013 was Obamanable!  There were some highlights, one of which was the addition of Ethan Unklesbay to the family.  Rachel and Ethan were married on August 23rd in the Timpanogos Temple and had a lovely reception that evening where they danced the night away - that is, until Rachel started her honeymoon early by heaving the entire contents of her wedding luncheon into the ladies' room loo.  Unfortunately, she was unable to cut the cake, throw her bouquet, or enjoy the sparkler farewell we had planned for her, but she was lucky enough to have the undivided attention of her new groom by her side all night, as she broke the wedding night ice by continuing to toss her cookies for the next 24 hours!  Lest you feel sorry for Ethan -  think nothing of it, since she reciprocated her attention on him the next evening in the emergency room while he was receiving the care of medical professionals with a life-giving IV tube in his arm.  Aaah, young love!  This was a honeymoon they will never forget!  (And for all you BYU hecklers out there, we should also mention that Rachel DID get her bachelor's degree in history one whole week before getting her MRS degree!  So there!)

·       While planning the wedding festivities, Naomi sorta made this "deal with the devil".  Ray being the devil, that is.  Shopping for mason jars at Smith & Edwards one day proved to be more than Ray could stand.  He decided to meander toward the guns & ammo dept. to occupy his time.  Bad idea.  Or, to quote a famous line from an Indiana Jones movie, "He chose poorly".  By the time they both left the store, Ray had purchased a $700 pistol under the condition that he would never again complain about a single thing Naomi bought for the wedding.  In other words, all financial discipline was now gone on both sides.  Whenever a light bulb went "Ding!" over Naomi's head with a new (expensive) idea, Ray quietly got out his new gun, took it apart, and stroked it fondly.  And his wife pretty much got to throw the reception of her dreams.  Considering the arguments it avoided, Ray believes this was the best deal he has ever made.

·      Andrew has also caught the shopping bug!  His latest thrill in life is going to Dick's Market, where he scampers like a penguin into the store BY HIMSELF, and proceeds to purchase a small package of Swedish Fish BY HIMSELF!  He is quite pleased with his unsupervised shopping sprees in the store and giggles the whole time.  The tough part, for him, is waiting in line without losing his cool. He tries really hard to be patient because, otherwise, he loses his candy.  Worst-case scenario is a slow moving, old lady in front of him who reaches into her purse, gropes around, and finally pulls out a stack of coupons.  NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  "Security to Checkstand 1, Security to Checkstand 1, please."  We are happy to report, there have been no incidents of injuries yet.

·    Ray thinks Naomi has a shoe fettish, because she buys new footwear every other week.  In reality, Churchill, the behaviorally-challenged Bassett Hound, has a serious shoe fettish.  But only with Naomi's shoes! And only the right foot!  The other members of the household seem to be spared, while Churchill's mistress is constantly finding her new right boots, sandals, or dress shoes in pieces on the floor.  Andrew doesn't help.  He tends to "hide" the shoes in places where the dog has full access.  We are considering dressing up the neighbor kids like orphans and sending them door-to-door, begging for right shoes (size 8) for their poor, one-legged  foster mother, who can't go door-to-door herself, because she is barefoot.  Think it'll work?

·      Remember "The Addams Family"?  Well, Uncle Fester is living at our house.  In support of his sister, Margaret, and her struggle with cancer, Ray has shaved his head.  Not his best look, but we admire his motives.  The large roll of fat on the back of his head, especially, reminds Naomi of the Addams Family character and makes her want to make him a fur collar for around his neck and stick a light bulb in his mouth.  The good thing is, the roll is getting smaller.  Ray, upon realizing that he was just a scone or two away from 300 lbs., has joined Weight Watchers with his wife and the two are starting to shrink out of their clothes.  In no time, he'll look less like Fester and more like Mr. Clean!  (Naomi thinks Mr. Clean is pretty hot. 'Specially when he's cleaning!)

·       We weren't going to include this story, but I'm sorry, it has to go in for posterity.  Ray calls it "the poo and spew story".  That's a clue to what's coming, so if you're not up for it, I suggest you stop reading immediately.

While preparing to take a trip to St. George for a family wedding, Ray took his son to Walmart to get the oil changed in the truck.  Sadly, he left his wallet at home, and called his doting wife to bring it to him.  Andrew had some trouble waiting, however, and by the time Naomi arrived to save the day, the child had dropped a pile on the sidewalk outside the door (while Ray was distracted with other things) and threw his soiled underwear into the truckbed.  A large, bald, tattooed man walked up to Ray, handing him a large wad of paper towels without saying a word.  Don't think I've seen my husband that frustrated in quite some time.

During the drive to St. George, Ray was thanked for not killing his son by having peanut butter routinely applied into his ear with Andrew's finger.  At one point, after we stopped for some food, Andrew was holding Ray's large drink for him while Ray went back into the store for some ice cream.  On the way out, he noticed his son putting the lid BACK onto his cup.  He decided it would be a good idea to investigate.  Again, to quote an Indiana Jones movie, "He chose wisely".  Andrew had vomited his lunch into Ray's soda and was trying to put the lid back on so he wouldn't notice.  As Ray expressed his irritation to his sweet wife, she expressed her sincere condolences by letting out a good, hearty laugh.  Later in the car, Naomi broke out the brownies and Andrew continued his ritual of inserting his finger into Ray's ear - only with chocolate frosting this time.

Ray repaid Naomi's lack of sympathy by giving her the opportunity of cleaning up the mess after we arrived at the hotel when Andrew shared the rest of his lunch with the bathroom wall and floor.  In case you're wondering, he wasn't sick.  This kind of thing happens a lot, I'm afraid.

Recently, while explaining Andrew's bulemic tendencies to a gastroenterologist, the doctor looked at us and asked, "So, is this a problem?"

Wait . . .  WHAT?

And how was YOUR year?  We hope it was filled with love and laughter, as ours was!  And may 2014 be filled with FEW Obamanable stories, NO need for ObamaCare, and MANY, MANY blessings to come!

With very merry Christmas wishes from our home to yours!

Ray, Naomi, Andrew, Churchill, & The Unklesbays